It Was Only a Little Gas

In fourteen years of marriage, I think we have only been a two-car family for a grand total of three of those years. We even made it through our first year in Seattle with one vehicle. But, with Jean working, the kids needing to be taken to and picked up from school, and with me being in school and completing inspections, one vehicle wasn't cutting it. We found that out last week. Even if I didn't have inspections the bus isn't much of an option for me––as it takes about an hour to get home, and I want to maximize being home as long as I can before the kids go to bed. Jean picking me up after class is often a logistics nightmare, especially with the kids. So, all that to say, we needed a second car.

I found a car on Craig's List that seemed to fit what I needed. Low cost, yet well-maintained. I pulled the car fax on it and though it was 18 years old, it was a single-owner car with a clean history, and a mechanical history of always being routinely serviced at the dealership. So, after mountain biking with Jean Friday morning [which is TOTALLY a whole post in itself], we went over to take it for a test drive. It was clean inside and out. The guy at the used car place pulled it out for us and said told us that it was low on gas and that if we didn't feel comfortable to fill it up and just let him know.

We took it for a drive, filled it up, drove some more, and came back. It was perfect for what we needed. I told the guy that I had seen it advertised on Craig's List for $XX.XX, and wondered how low he would be able to go including tax, title, and license. He said with tax, title and license it would cost $300 more than what it was listed for. He asked what we were looking to spend. I said that we were looking to spend $300-$400 less, including tax, title, and license, than it was listed for (prior to them adding tax, title, and license)––so there was about a $600 gap between us. He called the owner, and then said that the lowest he could come down is $200. He welcomed us to stay and talk to the used car dealership owner, who would be there in 5-10 minutes if we would like. We did.

During our wait, Jean and I decided that we would increase our highest offer by $100. When the used car dealership owner arrived he asked how he could help. I told him that we were interested in buying the 1991 Toyota Camry. He said, "Buy, or Steal?" It was an intense conversation. And, less than pleasant. We left holding our ground, and being okay that we held to what our budget said we could do.

About 5 minutes into our drive home Jean said, "We filled up the car." And I said, "I totally forgot to tell him that." She responded, "It's okay. It isn't worth it to go back." Just then, the man that I had talked with originally called me. He said, "When I was parking the car I noticed you filled up the car. I talked with the owner and because you filled it up he wants to work with you. We can come down $50 from our previous price." There was basically a $250 difference between their lowest and ours. I told him that I couldn't. He asked if we could pay our price now, and he would give us 45 days to pay the remainder. I told him that is all that I could afford. That I am in graduate school and we are on a budget. That my budget 45 days from now doesn't allow for an extra $250. He said that he would continue to talk with the owner and would call me back.

Well, he called back and offered a price that was just $100 difference higher than my highest price. I told him that I would talk with my wife and call him back. I talked with Jean. I said that I was okay paying $100 more, but if she wasn't it was okay. That we just needed to be in agreement. I would be okay not getting the car.

But, she was still left with the weight of being the one to decide. She told me that she didn't like having to be the one having to make the final decision. She was right. I went into the bedroom where I thought Jean couldn't hear and said, "I just can't. I know that $100 isn't a lot of money and $100 isn't the issue. My wife and I had a set amount and I want to honor that. My relationship with her is what matters most. Again, I don't mean any disrespect to you as it is only $100. I just want to honor my wife in keeping to what she and I had decided on." The guy responded, "The owner feels really bad that you filled up the car. Come down and you can buy it for your price."

Jean had only heard my side of the conversation. She was all melty. Then, I explained to her that they offered it to us at the price she and I had set. She was floored.

So, when we went to go sign the ownership documents the used car dealer owner asked, "So why did you fill it up?" I explained that the other gentleman had said to put gas in it if I didn't feel comfortable driving it. [I didn't want to get the guy in trouble, but Jean and both heard, "Fill it up."] He said that when someone owns a car they naturally fill it up. But, when it is not theirs, they don't. So, because I filled it up he felt like he should sell it to me. I am not sure if he felt that because I filled it up it was an omen or that "I was meant to have it," but that is why he sold it to me––because I filled it with gas. I would rather think that it was because I honored Jean.

The End of Summer

The end of summer has come. School resumes on Monday for me, and on Tuesday for the kids. I have had roughly six weeks off from school, but it has been busy.

Long before summer classes were over, we were preparing for our move into our new place. The official move date was 1 week after my classes were completed. It is a sweet place with great neighbors. Jean's mom flew in for 11 days to help us settle and to help Jean with preparing meals that were then frozen to help for the busyness of September.

We made a second trip to Denny Creek––the natural water slide. Refreshing!

The hottest week of the summer came while we were getting settled. Just one week at our new place we had the neighborhood kids over to watch "Polar Express" in our front yard. I hooked up my computer and large monitor, along with speakers to help cool us all off.

I got to mountain bike with Sam.

We scored two free tickets, and I took Alina to her first Mariners game. They treated her well. They gave her a baseball card, a certificate showing the date of her first game with Dad, and a pennant to color.

We took a family backpacking trip to Hyas Lake. It was a great trip!

Several manufactured home inspections!

And, I got to take Sam to his first NFL game. Our neighbor has season tickets to the Seahawks. After he found out Sam's favorite team is the Broncos, Jeff gave us his pre-season tickets for the Seahawks/Broncos game.

We also hosted a couple from Michigan for a week while they looked for a place to live. They moved out so that she could attend MHGS in the fall. It was cool to have them around. To have good conversation, and to encourage them in the journey into the unknown as a newlywed couple newly enveloped into the unfamiliarity of Seattle, and of Grad School. Wow. We felt like veterans.

And now . . . School begins again. But, the FUN isn't over. Jean and I will both have Fridays off together, and the kids will be in school. While the weather holds we will be taking some mountain biking trips, along with other excursions. And, on Saturdays, EdVenture Saturdays will continue.

Looking forward to a great term at school, and growing in relationship with Jean, Sam, Alina, with friends and with new neighbors.

Funny Quote

Alina quote of the Day: "I'm note funny. I'm adorable."

Vacation. Bible. School.

Jean and her beautifully brilliant staff of volunteers are leading VBS next week. Though our church doesn't, we both have been surprised at the number of churches in the area that charge for kids to come to VBS. I would say that roughly 50% of the churches that have a Vacation Bible School charge – and the fee ranges from $10 to $50 for the week.

Is this just a Pacific Northwest thing or a hard economic times thing? Either way, it feels wrong.

Though I am sure that some may argue, "Well, we're basically providing childcare," but isn't it more than that? Aren't you sharing life, the life giving power of Christ, during that week? I think the thing that gets me most is that those that may come from homes where this life is needed most, may be prohibited from coming because of the monetary cost.

Failing

Success Comes from Failing – from Eric Bryant's blog.

You Matter

I hope you matter...

from Seth Godin's blog

• When you love the work you do and the people you do it with, you matter.
• When you are so gracious and generous and aware that you think of other people before yourself, you matter.
• When you leave the world a better place than you found it, you matter.
• When you continue to raise the bar on what you do and how you do it, you matter.
• When you teach and forgive and teach more before you rush to judge and demean, you matter.
• When you touch the people in your life through your actions (and your words), you matter.
• When kids grow up wanting to be you, you matter.
• When you see the world as it is, but insist on making it more like it could be, you matter.
• When you inspire a Nobel prize winner or a slum dweller, you matter.
• When the room brightens when you walk in, you matter.
• And when the legacy you leave behind lasts for hours, days or a lifetime, you matter.

The Meaning of June 15 on Me

Four years ago today, at nearly this very minute, my dad passed away from cancer. An hour later, I stepped off the plane and turned on my cell phone and heard the news. An hour after that I arrived at the place where he lived to say goodbye to his body one last time.

And, thinking back on this makes my mind go in so many different directions.
• Cancer sucks. It has claimed my father. It has claimed both of my grandmothers. For the second year in a row I find myself praying for favorite aunt, and am thankful when the tests on her lumps come back as being benign.
• Would my life be different if my dad was still here? My life has changed so very much in the last four years. Nearly nothing is the same.
• Would my dad be different if he were still here? It was dying that caused his repentance.
• It is hard to walk through a death of a parent alone. When friends don't know how to walk through it with me so they don't at all. When I am not even sure how to walk through it myself.
• So much of my life was catapulted by who my dad was, and who he was not.
• I am glad who my dad came to be in the last 10 days of his life.
• Who my dad came to be still doesn't erase the harm he inflicted on me, or my mom, or his sisters, or his friends, or other women or illegitimate children. There is a trail of destruction.

I can only name the affects his life and his death have had on me. I can't speak that for anyone else, I can only speak it through the lens of how I view life. His life and his death created me. Created half of my physical DNA. Shaped my fears, gave me my scars. And, somehow his life and his death gave me my passion. A passion to try and love Jean, to love my kids, to love my mom, to love my friends, to love my enemies, to love myself. Things I am not sure my dad knew how to do well. But his life and his death have shaped my passions. Passions to learn how to be me.

I Am Glad I Stopped

Last Saturday Sam and I went to go get the van for the ladies after dinner. Coming out of the coffee shop was a student from MHGS. She didn't know me, but boy did I know her. We were in a class this summer together. And, whenever she spoke, anger spewed from her mouth. No matter what anyone would say, she always had an angry word for them. On the last day of class, we were to go around giving people hugs and saying "thank you" if they had impacted us. No one seemed to approach her on that day. And, she eventually left the room without anyone stopping her. Her anger was deep and it stopped people from really engaging her. I certainly wasn't going to. She was too angry.

So, Saturday evening I could have kept walking. But, as she sat down on the bench I stopped and said, "Don't you go to Mars Hill?" "Mars Hill Graduate School?" she asked. "Yes." We ended up having a very long conversation. Convesation about the class, church, life. It was good. She thanked me for stopping and talking. She had said that she feared she had burned a lot of bridges with people she would have to continue being in school with for years to come because of her attitude in class. I reached out my hand in friendship, and she accepted it.

Sometimes angry people can be so repulsive that you don't want to engage them. Sometimes they shouldn't be engaged because trying to love them in that moment would only bring more anger. But, second opportunities to show love and forgiveness are sweet.

My Mom

There are many sites on the internet with funny things moms have said. My mom is here visiting with us, and yesterday she said a funny thing.

We were sitting in the van in front of church and I texted Jean to let her know we were there. I asked my mom if she had text messaging service on her cell phone. She said that text service is available to her, but she'd have to pay for it for using it. Then she said, "The only reason I have it is in case I get locked in a [car] trunk. I figured that it would be good to have in case I needed to contact someone quietly."

I just can't imagine my mom getting abducted by the mob and thrown into a trunk because she squealed on Tony "Knuckles" Dofanzo.

We Need Jerks

We Need Jerks.

Tears

The best part of my education so far has been the requirement to see a therapist.

When I've seen counselors at other points in my life I went in with the attitude of "Let's get this resolved as soon as possible so that I can be 'fixed,' so that I can be seen as normal."

As part of my schooling all MACP students are required to be in counseling for a minimum of 40 hours. At first, my reaction to this requirement was, "Really??? Are you kidding me??? I just want to get through the program. I don't need this!!" And, especially since this was the first year that seeing a therapist became mandatory for Counseling Psychology students. 40 hours is nine months.

But, it has been good. Really good. Feeling is something that I've never done. Now, I'm starting to thaw. Tears come. Regularly. It's new to me. And, it's really a scary experience because it is such a new experience. Being forced to sit in the things I've tried to ignore or blow past. It is so hard. It is unsettling. It is unnerving. It is my reality. And, knowing that I am no where close to 40 hours allows me not to be focused on hurrying healing, but simply forced to embrace each emotion that washes me.

Blossom

Daily I'm confronted with the fact that I married up. WAY up. Today is the 14th Anniversary of that very good day. The lowest lows and the highest highs that we've experienced together have unveiled more and more of her beauty. I didn't realize that flower who said, "I do" fourteen years ago had barely opened. And, now she blooms most beautifully. And, yet, I anticipate an even greater bouquet that will unfold in her glory and radiance as we continue to grow old together.

Are You a Good Christ?

This article by Francis Chan is a must read.

Rebuilding Foundation

I've gone through seasons of being infatuated with John Eldredge's material, and seasons where I pushed it away. Last night I attended an event that I had been secretly looking forward to for weeks – the "Fathered by God" tour was in town.

I caught a ride with a guy from school and his wife. Bruce is also on the intercessor team for Ransomed Heart Ministries, so I got to go with him to the "Intercessor Gathering" prior to John's talk before 5,000 people. The intimate gathering with the intercessors was cool, and John came and talked with us for 15 minutes or so. I wasn't too star-struck. I've talked with him before. At boot camp, and at a small luncheon at Catalyst. But, during this intimate gathering I kept a low profile. Looking for holes, for reasons not to believe God or the message that John passionately believes in. But, as always, John spoke to our intimate gathering with encouragement and humility.

The reason for the "tour" is for his book, Fathered by God. It is basically a reworking of the book, The Way of the Wild Heart, not to be confused with his book Wild at Heart. And, because the two were often confused, The Way of the Wild Heart was reworked to become the Fathered by God book.

So much of my journey recently has been about a disbelief that God will really come through. Very similar to a what experienced a couple of years ago. But, last night's time answered some questions, and sparked hope.

The first stage for a man is "Boyhood," and this happens between the ages of birth and age 12. In his book, Wild at Heart, Eldredge says that every man needs to have the question, "Do I have what it takes?" answered. But, he says, the question, "Am I beloved?" really comes first. And, how it is answered shapes him.

In my notes I wrote John's words: "God shapes through danger, Without belovedness, it [the dangers] feels like failures. He [the boy] misinterprets the trials."

Not having a dad available to validate that I am loved caused the other stages of "Cowboy," "Warrior," "Lover," and "King" to be build on a weak foundation that has really eroded. Needing others to validate me because my dad didn't caused me to give others an unhealthy role in my life. Trials that I would have said at an earlier time in life were shaping me were now things that I questioned God hugely on.

Today, because of last night, I am a little more hopeful. But, I also know that there is a long journey ahead for me in building my boyhood foundation. Something that my time in therapy has also been doing. There is a lot of work ahead in learning to believe and trusting that God really does see me as beloved. Rebuilding this foundation is key to being a whole man. For God's sake, my sake, Jean's sake, and Sam and Alina's sake.

Late. Again.

When my dad died, my plane landed in Tampa just one hour after he died from cancer. I got the call from Jean when the plane landed and we were able to turn on our phones that he had passed.

Right now, I'm feeling late. Again.

The man that had fathered me through my college years passed away yesterday of cancer. My father-in-law went to visit him yesterday. Chet asked about me, and my father-in-law promised to bring me to see him when we got to Michigan. But, he died yesterday afternoon. Damn. I did, though, receive a call to be a pallbearer at his funeral on Saturday. It will be an honor. But, still. It sucks.

When It Was Coming to an End

When it was coming to an end last night, I was feeling sad. Not because the Spartans had little hope of coming back, but because the tournament was coming to an end. My son cuddled next to me and my daughter cuddled next to me. Talking about "baxetball," heroics, and life.

But, as last night closed, more adventures and talks await for us. I just enjoyed those cozy times.

My Blood Runs Green and White Tonight

Tonight we'll be cheering for Michigan State during the national championship game. Not just because we are from Michigan. The reasons are much deeper than that.

My maternal grandfather went to MSU when it was still named MAC (Michigan Agricultural College).

There are a lot of boyhood memories on campus. The star shows at the planetarium. Bell concerts at Beaumont Tower. MSU basketball in the days of Magic Johnson, and football games. During my senior year of high school, while other kids were at parties, my friend Ethan and I were on the third floor of Michigan State's library looking at topographical maps.

My undergraduate degree, with three major changes, is from Michigan State University.

My first date with Jean was at Michigan State where we saw an outdoor summer play. Michigan State is where I first attempted to tell Jean I loved her. Beaumont Tower on campus is where I proposed, and she accepted.

For many reasons, my blood runs green and white tonight.

Broken Teeth

Yesterday I rode with Sam on the trail near our house. I was frustrated out of the gate because the chain would jump off of the front middle chain ring. Grrrrrrr... I rode anyway, and made a couple of stops to try and "fix it," thinking it was more of an adjustment issue. This morning I tossed it up on the work stand and realized it was more than just an adjustment issue, and more than just a build up of grease that would prevent the chain from setting correctly. Broken teeth. One tooth was completely missing, and three others were broken/worn at the tip. It is understandable. It is the chain ring that gets used the most. And, it had seen a lot of very good days.

Can you find the missing tooth?

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

It IS the most wonderful time of the year! BIKE SEASON!

I just finished getting my bike ready. I started installing from easiest to hardest:

• New Seat
• New frame mounted pump
• New rear cogset
• New chain
• New brake caliper
• New front and rear brake cables
• New front and rear shifter cables

The shifter cables scared me to death, especially the rear. But, since the limits were set well on the high and low set screws, it was a pretty simple job. And, I'm proud of how easily it went.

Now, tomorrow, if the rains hold off, Sam and I are headed out for the first trail ride of the year. Probably nothing too difficult. Probably over to St. Edwards just to get the blood flowing in the legs and air in the lungs. Sam got a new bike for his birthday, the lightest frame made for his size. It's 8 lbs. lighter than his previous bike, and it's a better quality bike. It should make for much more enjoyable rides for Sam.

x•PLOY•t-Ed

Monday I had coffee with David, then a couple hours later with Paul. Okay, they had coffee, I had my usual – a white hot chocolate. David was my practicum facilitator first semester. Paul is MHGS's Field Abbot.

Both men told me, at completely different meetings, how good I looked. My response to Paul was, "Wow. I must have looked like crap before."

I doubt that their comments on how good I looked had nothing to do with my physical weight loss. I had on my longer overcoat. I doubt it had anything to do with my super-cool haircut.

Maybe looking good had something to do with the look in my eyes. I think the glaze that had covered my eyes is disappearing. And I can see a little better, and be seen a little better.

And, with seeing better, I am able to stand a little longer in the presence of past abuse. Last night in counseling we spent a long time facing what it was like to be groomed by a predator, and touching the pain of being abused and exploited. It is hard being in the presence of the frustration and disappointment I have at myself. That I didn't fight for myself and let the abuse and exploitation continue for so long. But, Mary wouldn't let me wallow in that filth. She invited me to sit in the place where I was courageous. Where I did stand strong in bringing an end to the abuse and exploitation against me.