x•PLOY•t-Ed

Monday I had coffee with David, then a couple hours later with Paul. Okay, they had coffee, I had my usual – a white hot chocolate. David was my practicum facilitator first semester. Paul is MHGS's Field Abbot.

Both men told me, at completely different meetings, how good I looked. My response to Paul was, "Wow. I must have looked like crap before."

I doubt that their comments on how good I looked had nothing to do with my physical weight loss. I had on my longer overcoat. I doubt it had anything to do with my super-cool haircut.

Maybe looking good had something to do with the look in my eyes. I think the glaze that had covered my eyes is disappearing. And I can see a little better, and be seen a little better.

And, with seeing better, I am able to stand a little longer in the presence of past abuse. Last night in counseling we spent a long time facing what it was like to be groomed by a predator, and touching the pain of being abused and exploited. It is hard being in the presence of the frustration and disappointment I have at myself. That I didn't fight for myself and let the abuse and exploitation continue for so long. But, Mary wouldn't let me wallow in that filth. She invited me to sit in the place where I was courageous. Where I did stand strong in bringing an end to the abuse and exploitation against me.