Rebuilding Foundation

I've gone through seasons of being infatuated with John Eldredge's material, and seasons where I pushed it away. Last night I attended an event that I had been secretly looking forward to for weeks – the "Fathered by God" tour was in town.

I caught a ride with a guy from school and his wife. Bruce is also on the intercessor team for Ransomed Heart Ministries, so I got to go with him to the "Intercessor Gathering" prior to John's talk before 5,000 people. The intimate gathering with the intercessors was cool, and John came and talked with us for 15 minutes or so. I wasn't too star-struck. I've talked with him before. At boot camp, and at a small luncheon at Catalyst. But, during this intimate gathering I kept a low profile. Looking for holes, for reasons not to believe God or the message that John passionately believes in. But, as always, John spoke to our intimate gathering with encouragement and humility.

The reason for the "tour" is for his book, Fathered by God. It is basically a reworking of the book, The Way of the Wild Heart, not to be confused with his book Wild at Heart. And, because the two were often confused, The Way of the Wild Heart was reworked to become the Fathered by God book.

So much of my journey recently has been about a disbelief that God will really come through. Very similar to a what experienced a couple of years ago. But, last night's time answered some questions, and sparked hope.

The first stage for a man is "Boyhood," and this happens between the ages of birth and age 12. In his book, Wild at Heart, Eldredge says that every man needs to have the question, "Do I have what it takes?" answered. But, he says, the question, "Am I beloved?" really comes first. And, how it is answered shapes him.

In my notes I wrote John's words: "God shapes through danger, Without belovedness, it [the dangers] feels like failures. He [the boy] misinterprets the trials."

Not having a dad available to validate that I am loved caused the other stages of "Cowboy," "Warrior," "Lover," and "King" to be build on a weak foundation that has really eroded. Needing others to validate me because my dad didn't caused me to give others an unhealthy role in my life. Trials that I would have said at an earlier time in life were shaping me were now things that I questioned God hugely on.

Today, because of last night, I am a little more hopeful. But, I also know that there is a long journey ahead for me in building my boyhood foundation. Something that my time in therapy has also been doing. There is a lot of work ahead in learning to believe and trusting that God really does see me as beloved. Rebuilding this foundation is key to being a whole man. For God's sake, my sake, Jean's sake, and Sam and Alina's sake.