The Jury Has Reached Its Decision, Soon I Will Learn My Fate

I wonder if this time period of wait is what it feels like for a defendant who has been told that the jury has reached its decision, and the judge has told everyone to be in the court room in two hours. This is how I feel the next three to four days are going to feel for me. Let me explain.

Friday afternoon while we were in Seattle I talked with Crystal, the director of recruitment and admission, about changing the degree program that I was applying for from the MDiv to the MACP (masters of counseling psychology) program. We talked about it more during the weekend. I said that I would do anything to help make the process easier for them, including submitting additional essays, etc. I sent an e-mail to her on Wednesday asking if there was anything that I needed to do.

Yesterday I received this e-mail:
Hi Ed,
I just want you to be assured that you were considered for the MACP program. We’ll be in touch in the next several days.
Warmly,
cgm

I read this as meaning they have made a decision on me. Their desire of whether or not they desire me to attend Mars Hill Graduate School has been printed on letterhead, inserted into an envelope, and is enroute to my mailbox.

The hardest thing is struggling with the fear of rejection. It has been the theme of most of my life. It has been a major theme the last couple of years, especially over a job I thought I was destined for. That job desire was the reason I wrestled with God so much alone on the mountain bike trail in the mornings this summer. And, He wrestled with me. The fear lies in wondering if God will say, "No." If the answer is "No," my battle will be to believe that God has not rejected me. That He still has something even better. But, rejection can take away any signs of life, courage, will, and desire.

Philippians 1:29 says: It has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on Him, but also to suffer for Him.

In In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day Mark Batterson says, "The word granted comes from the Greek root charizomai, which literally means 'to grant a favor.' This sounds ludicrous at first earshot, but it almost as if God is saying: Listen, I owe you a favor. Let me let you suffer. We tend to see suffering as a necessary evil at best, but Paul calls it a divine favor."

Regardless of what the letter says, I need to remember this.