Reading Between the Lines

This morning, most of my readings have had adventure and journey imagery sprinkled through.

When we embark on such a journey, we understand there will be challenges along the way, unexpected encounters that stretch us to our limits and change the shape of who we are. We know we will emerge changed, bearing the marks of the journey on our soul and body. Our friends may not recognize us when we return; we may not even recognize ourselves! Such a journey requires commitment – willingness to press on through sunlit days and dark nights, unspeakable beauty and terrible danger, sometimes finding companionship and sometimes feeling utterly alone, sometimes sure we are headed in the right direction, other times afraid we have completely lost our way. It is that perilous and priceless journey inward to that place at the center of ourselves where God dwells. (p. 19, "Invitations to Silence and Solitude") While I don't believe that God dwells just at the center of ourselves, but also at the center of life all around us. Yet, the imagery is powerful.

...Via negativa, which has its underlying assumption the hiddenness of God, not the overt visibility of God... Dillard reminds the reader that nature and/or God is apt to hide itself. She tells stories of trying to catch glimpses of fish in deep water, of stalking muskrats in the woods for hours, of turning just in time to see the final flash of a fleeing squirrel or bird. All such stories are metaphors for a fleeting God, a God that must be sought, stalked, waited out, patiently and tirelessly. The mystical experience results from the expansion of the via negativa concept to include not only God, but also the individual in pursuit of God... As God told Moses on Sinai, no one can see God's glory fully and live to tell the story. Yet, this danger does not warrant ending the pursuit of the fleeting God... "You quit your house and country, quit your ship, and quit your companions in the tent... the light on the far side of the blizzard lures you. You walk, and one day you enter the spread heart of silence... This the end of the Via Negativa, the lightless edge where the slopes of knowledge dwindle, and love for its own sake, lacking an object, begins..." One must be willing to go out to the furthest edge of the mystery that is God, a place where one may be allowed a brief glimpse of glory, an dmight also die in the process. Dillard mentions Ezekiel's rebuking of false prophets who have "not gone into the gaps." Dillard, in an earnest tone, tells the reader, "The gaps are the thing. The gaps are the sprit's one home, the altitudes and latitudes so dazzingly spare and clean that the spirit can discover itself for the first time like a once-blind man unbound. The gaps are the clifts in the rock where you cower to see the back parts of God... Go up into the gaps... Stalk the gaps." She emphasizes again that there are no guarantees for safety and that one must be prepared for surprise and shock when dealing wth God. God will "catch you up, aloft, up to any cap at all, and you'll come back... transformed in a way you may not have bargained for – dribbling and crazed."

At first, this reading frustrated me. Why does God do this when all I want is to see His face. And, I'm tired. Then, I realized, I have been stalking Him all along. Not like a big game trophy to be mounted above our fireplace. But, the true God. I have seen his tracks. I have seen more of His shadows recently. I think I am getting closer.

Hearing Different Words

For the second Monday in a row I have been told by two caring faculty members that I need to take a year to care for me. To grieve my story. To care for my heart. To stop caring for others so that I can care for myself. All so that I can care for me the way that I care for others. And, when I care for me better I can truly care for others well because I will be able to better grieve for me and for them.

Jean says I love her and the kids in completely higher ways since being in Seattle. Jean says I have changed so much being here. I don't know.

All of us in the MACP program have to do 42 hours of outside counseling with a therapist by fall 2009. Mine begins Nov. 20. It will start at a place where my last two left off, and maybe at a different starting place that hasn't been mined yet. This time around I want to see a female counselor. How in the world can I begin to care for myself and allow myself to be cared for. It has been easier to care for others than to care well for me. My inner circle of guys care for me and care for me well. But, I need to allow them to care better because it is hard for me. I need to let them for them and for me.

It is very strange to be trusting a stranger that hasn't earned my trust in a strange city and at a very deconstructing time. This should be fun...

The End of the Other Blog

This morning I suspended my other blog. It was about my reconstruction. But, my Misadventures are also about my reconstruction. Having multiple blogs felt like having multiple personalities. I don't want to compartmentalize areas of my life.

The other blog was intended to capture some good quotes from class or conversations at school that struck me. I was logging great quotes during my note taking, but only posted on the other blog three times. Below, you will find those three posts...

Last Week

originally posted wednesday october 29, 2008
The last 8 days have been sweet. Coffee with Paul (and yes, I did have coffee that actually went down my throat) was relieving. The second time telling my story – ALL OF IT – and being confirmed and affirmed for who I am. It was good. I realized I did not need to be someone else while I am here. I can be me. Comfortable in my own skin. And, today was an epiphony. While reading about Transference and Countertransference some lights came on. Blaming my dad for the reason why I want to be perfect. Actually, digging into me, I see now where that actually comes from. It is good the way this program is leaning into me.

On Being with Someone

original post wednesday october 29, 2008
It isn't about how you can fix somebody's problem, but how you can be with someone in their problem. – Roy

On Being a Critic

original post: friday october 17, 2008
Both Dan and Dwight gave great quotes in their respective classes this week. I will start with a quote from Dwight's class – perhaps partially because he is from Canada and because I think I have a man-crush on him, in a manly, Canadian sort of way...

"Anyone can be a critic. Have you ever seen a blog? There is no spiritual gift in being a critic."