From Amnesia to Brain Surgery

This morning I wanted to vomit. It was more of a burning in my stomach. I was doubled over in the shower. Those were things that used to happen when I was little. When I didn't want to do something or go somewhere. I missed a lot of school. I've been remembering a lot. And, remembering makes me feel sick. I wasn't feeling sick because today was therapy. I look forward to it and I enjoy therapy. And, I mostly enjoy therapy because I want to be closer to better. Even if getting better looks and feels like I'm getting worse for a while. I was sick this morning because of remembering.

I've been finishing "It's Not About the Bike." I had to put it down when fall term started. When I picked it again I came to a part where Lance is riding the tour. How vomiting for 24 hours straight over 5 day periods due to the chemo treatments, and so much of that time, prepared him to win The Tour. I've been hoping that feeling the pain and nausea I feel now will pay off for something down the road. Realistically it may, and it may not.

Today's therapy was good. And interesting. So much happened. At the end of it all, I was asked if I would be open to switching gears in our sessions together. Going from "relational therapy" to "Lifespan Integration Therapy." Basically, we are needing to re-hardwire my brain. It is such an intense process, that we can only go about it every other session. My therapist has received advance training in Lifespan Integration.

The Lifespan Integration website doesn't mention all of the routine, but before my first "LI" session, I will need to write down a memory from each year of my life. And, each memory for each year will be read, and it will be cycled three times total in our session. All to rewire my brain to realize and understand what safety as an adult is.

I am intrigued by it. And hopeful. I don't want a shortcut. But, I do want to feel and to know healthy boundaries and I want to remember. Next week, due to Christmas, therapy has been moved up to Tuesay evening. So, LI will either begin next week or on Thursday Jan. 8.