We Need Jerks

We Need Jerks.

Tears

The best part of my education so far has been the requirement to see a therapist.

When I've seen counselors at other points in my life I went in with the attitude of "Let's get this resolved as soon as possible so that I can be 'fixed,' so that I can be seen as normal."

As part of my schooling all MACP students are required to be in counseling for a minimum of 40 hours. At first, my reaction to this requirement was, "Really??? Are you kidding me??? I just want to get through the program. I don't need this!!" And, especially since this was the first year that seeing a therapist became mandatory for Counseling Psychology students. 40 hours is nine months.

But, it has been good. Really good. Feeling is something that I've never done. Now, I'm starting to thaw. Tears come. Regularly. It's new to me. And, it's really a scary experience because it is such a new experience. Being forced to sit in the things I've tried to ignore or blow past. It is so hard. It is unsettling. It is unnerving. It is my reality. And, knowing that I am no where close to 40 hours allows me not to be focused on hurrying healing, but simply forced to embrace each emotion that washes me.

Blossom

Daily I'm confronted with the fact that I married up. WAY up. Today is the 14th Anniversary of that very good day. The lowest lows and the highest highs that we've experienced together have unveiled more and more of her beauty. I didn't realize that flower who said, "I do" fourteen years ago had barely opened. And, now she blooms most beautifully. And, yet, I anticipate an even greater bouquet that will unfold in her glory and radiance as we continue to grow old together.

Are You a Good Christ?

This article by Francis Chan is a must read.

Rebuilding Foundation

I've gone through seasons of being infatuated with John Eldredge's material, and seasons where I pushed it away. Last night I attended an event that I had been secretly looking forward to for weeks – the "Fathered by God" tour was in town.

I caught a ride with a guy from school and his wife. Bruce is also on the intercessor team for Ransomed Heart Ministries, so I got to go with him to the "Intercessor Gathering" prior to John's talk before 5,000 people. The intimate gathering with the intercessors was cool, and John came and talked with us for 15 minutes or so. I wasn't too star-struck. I've talked with him before. At boot camp, and at a small luncheon at Catalyst. But, during this intimate gathering I kept a low profile. Looking for holes, for reasons not to believe God or the message that John passionately believes in. But, as always, John spoke to our intimate gathering with encouragement and humility.

The reason for the "tour" is for his book, Fathered by God. It is basically a reworking of the book, The Way of the Wild Heart, not to be confused with his book Wild at Heart. And, because the two were often confused, The Way of the Wild Heart was reworked to become the Fathered by God book.

So much of my journey recently has been about a disbelief that God will really come through. Very similar to a what experienced a couple of years ago. But, last night's time answered some questions, and sparked hope.

The first stage for a man is "Boyhood," and this happens between the ages of birth and age 12. In his book, Wild at Heart, Eldredge says that every man needs to have the question, "Do I have what it takes?" answered. But, he says, the question, "Am I beloved?" really comes first. And, how it is answered shapes him.

In my notes I wrote John's words: "God shapes through danger, Without belovedness, it [the dangers] feels like failures. He [the boy] misinterprets the trials."

Not having a dad available to validate that I am loved caused the other stages of "Cowboy," "Warrior," "Lover," and "King" to be build on a weak foundation that has really eroded. Needing others to validate me because my dad didn't caused me to give others an unhealthy role in my life. Trials that I would have said at an earlier time in life were shaping me were now things that I questioned God hugely on.

Today, because of last night, I am a little more hopeful. But, I also know that there is a long journey ahead for me in building my boyhood foundation. Something that my time in therapy has also been doing. There is a lot of work ahead in learning to believe and trusting that God really does see me as beloved. Rebuilding this foundation is key to being a whole man. For God's sake, my sake, Jean's sake, and Sam and Alina's sake.